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Tag: mental health

Reconnecting: why blogging is still relevant for me

For as long as this site has existed, I’ve always wanted honesty to be one of its key core values.

If you are a regular reader, you´re probably aware of that already since I created an entire category dedicated to being bold about blogging and then called it The Honest Fashionista Diaries. So, case in point, I am going to be open with you about my late absence, today.

The last few months have been a strange period, to say the least. This year started a bit too quickly, almost on a hectic way for me—a new job, a new city, new opportunities… new everything—which made me feel rather overwhelmed at times. As a consequence, and as much as I hated it, the blog took a back seat. This decision was not easy, and I felt sorry about every missing opportunity to post a fresh article. However, I do believe you must give your 100% when you love something—and this website, guys, is one of my biggest loves.

While life itself was not contributing to the mind-set I need to write in here, I was also struggling in terms of mental health. Most days I felt exhausted and under the weather, which is an awful place to be as a creator. But I am not speaking about creating content only, though. I am talking about the perception I had on my self-worth and even my self-image.

All of a sudden, I began feeling not only my contribution to the blogosphere was insignificant but also resenting my appearance when taking pictures or simply by looking in the mirror. Age was certainly taking its toll on me: I felt old, wasted, and ugly. Even worst, every time we went out for shooting, I felt ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very realistic person and always knew I was no model at all—and that’s OK too. For me, blogging is not about that one perfect look but about writing and creating a nice picture to inspire others—but at some point, I got completely lost in the middle of the fog.

There was a moment in which I plainly refused to get my photo taken. Then, this whole crazy lockdown situation arrived at our lives and we ceased going outside.

Working remotely and from the comfort of my apartment, there was a period when things got even worse for me. I would feel utterly depressed by simply looking at the news and everything else seemed pointless. Hence, I stopped logging into social media and reduced my presence online to almost zero.

Back then, I began spending more time taking care of myself: I started reading every day, watching nice films, having lengthy baths, and taking good care of my skin. I started having long walks in the park (always keeping the safety distance for obvious reasons), reconnecting with nature, and detoxing from anything negative in my life.

After one month, I finally discovered the value of resilience. I began enjoying the quiet, the long conversations with Sebastian, and a good long morning meditation session. I began liking myself again—both inside and outside.

As time goes by, I keep healing every day. I came to realize it was all a matter of time: I needed to stop and smell the flowers, feeling grateful for every small blessing in my life. Because most frequently than not, we don’t pay attention to those little things, taking them for granted. It is still a work in progress but the whole point of this post is, as a thirty-something woman, life is difficult sometimes.

The raw truth is, the expectations list seems endless: Have children, keep yourself young forever, have a brilliant career, keep your home spotless, organize family days out, take care of your family/spouse. And it goes on and on.

With such a burden, when do you get the chance to stop and listen to yourself? When are you supposed to become the priority? When was the last time you said “enough of this”? For me, it had to be in the middle of an extreme sanitary emergency lockdown. It took that much of a change to give it a thought. As I did begin thinking more and more about it, another question came to my mind: How many women on their thirties, forties or older feel exactly like this? How many of us are struggling to cope?

And this is where I was going with all the rambling.

Whoever you are, whatever your situation is, you are not alone.

From now on, my blog will be a place where you can come and say: I am NOT ok with this. I will do my best to write for you, to post as frequently as I can about how to be your own best friend. How to stop feeling worthless, wasted, ugly. I will post on how to dress for yourself, take care of your mind, and soul, and feel better in your skin.

Welcome to the place where you can be you.

Nothing else matters.

September 16, 2020September 15, 2020

Allegra Caro27 Comments

How to boost your self-confidence and feel good in your Summer clothes

Few things scream Summer quite as loudly as gingham does, an evergreen classic that comes back every June. Its sacred status quo partially originates from a simple idea: the fabric is supposed to work for just about anyone. At least, that’s what I thought when I saw these shorts in Zara last Summer.

This tale starts like any fashionista love story — a girl who falls for an item of clothing in a heartbeat and reaches for the cash desk. But love is not all wine and roses, is it? Once I  arrived home, I tried the trousers immediately (I only trust the natural light in my bedroom), and was nothing but disheartened. Those shorts totally cheated on me!

Horrified, I double-checked myself in the mirror: every flaw and insecurity, showing in every inch of exposed skin. I must admit I felt so bad, I didn’t even dare to return the trousers to the shop and simply threw them in the deepest part of the closet, banished forever. Then, I forgot about their existence.

how to boost your self-confidence is Summer

flowers

Like any other women, I frequently feel self-conscious about my appearance and Summer turns into a cyclic challenge. No matter how resilient you are most of the time, the warm season with its demands of body confidence can take its toll. I lost track of how many times my husband repeated every woman has cellulite, or freckles, or small depigmentation patches because the truth is, the only voice you can hear in such junctures, is the one in your head. And guys, that’s not a nice voice.

Over the last half a year I was in a bad place, mentally. Work stress, hormonal changes, and some insecurities related to our next destination made me feel overwhelmed at times. And I had to work my ass off to leave that dark place. Because if there is one thing I can say about myself without hesitation, it’s I am a stubborn fighter who will not give up.

So, I started thinking, what can I do to feel better? And eventually, I started applying these thoughts to my body image too. I am not going to lie — it took work and will, and I am still fighting every day. But overall? It was worth it.

 

how to boost your self-esteem this Summer

So, these are my 100% honest tips on how to boost your self-esteem this Summer.

1. Distance yourself from your body-conflict one second and analyze actual biologic factors

Is your monthly cycle affecting your body shape or perception? Are you stressed or dieting? When your hormones are out of order, this affects your mood. The reason can be found on the imbalance between Oestrogen and Serotonin. Likewise, if you’re currently dieting, there’s also a chance that your brain is in starvation mode. At that point, it conserves resources for survival which can leave you less capacity to think in a flexible and objective way about the way you look.

2. Focus on your strengths

None of us is made of flaws only. Think about your best physical qualities. Are your arms firm? Have you got a glowy skin? What about your eyes or your hair? We all have some charms and they are there, waiting for you to discover them.

3. Feed to nourish

Look, we have all been there, even the skinny type ladies: emotional eating is a fact. Instead of obsessing over the perfection of all those fitness model-like influencers out there, try not to compare yourself with them. Be generous and instead of restricting calories or food groups, try to nourish. You might know already that brain-friendly foods include coconut oil, oily fish, nuts, dark leafy greens, etc. And as I previously mentioned, most of our body-image issues are related to brain starvation mode.

4. If you need professional help, ask for it

We would never judge anyone for going to the dentist, so why to judge those going to therapy? This is certainly a taboo we need to kill. If you feel a therapist might be the solution to your problem, do not hesitate to make an appointment. Mostly everyone needs professional help at some point and that’s fine.


 

Just to finish the story, while cleaning my wardrobe last Spring, I found those infamous gingham shorts and decided to give them another shot. The patches, freckles, and cellulite were still there, but my mind was in a better place now.

And you know what? Life is too short to care.

 

how to boost your self-confidence is Summer

wearing

Blouse: Zara / Gingham shorts: Zara (last season, very similar here)

Shoes: Dolce & Gabbana (old model, alternative here)

Bag: CHANEL /  Sunglasses: Zara (Old, Dolce & Gabbana option here)

 

July 30, 2019July 30, 2019

Allegra Caro11 Comments
Tips for nervous flyers

My story as a nervous flyer: five tips to beat the fear

When Amelia Earhart said that the lure of flying is the lure of beauty, she wasn’t thinking about nervous flyers.

At the time writing this post, it is a glorious Friday morning and although 5th Piano Concerto ‘Emperor‘ is playing in the background, and the sunlight caresses the white kitchen walls while I wait for my coffee to be ready, I can’t feel any serenity. The reason? I am taking a flight to London in about seven hours, and the mere thought compresses my stomach. Yes, you guessed it: I am a nervous flyer.

For starters, I should probably clarify I am not one of the most severe cases ever. To me, the main trigger is boarding alone, rather than the flight itself. Hence, I only experience this kind of anxiety in the few occasions I need to travel all by myself.

Over the years, I tried different techniques to relieve my stress levels but since most of the international flights in Europe last two-three hours tops, I never took the time to search for real solutions. Last Winter though, Sebastian and I booked an eleven hours trip to Tokyo, and I immediately knew I would need to find a fix to make it sane to the other side of the globe.

It was a long process and it took a good deal of trial and error but at the end of the day, I managed to figure out a bunch of relaxation techniques which can make a difference in the way you experience a flight. In all honestly? It was enlightening. Just imagine to be able to block most of the negativity and reduce it to the extent that you are able to be functional again.

But how do you do that?

These are my  five tips to get over flight anxiety.

 

Tips for nervous flyers

1. Embrace a simple but revolutionary idea: you are NOT in charge

And do you know what? That is totally alright.

Our natural instinct is trying to control any situation. If by any chance you are a control freak (hello there old soul mate!), you will have a hard time on a plane surely. Try something new instead: follow the air crew instructions, take a deep breath and accept you are not in control—not here, not now. Embracing the chaos might sound like a silly cliché, but I find it truly comforting.

2. Instead of thinking about the flight duration as a punishment, treat it as a well-deserved rest

I know, it is difficult to see any in-board time as a luxury when the eternal promise of a noisy seat neighbour is floating on the air like a threat to your mental integrity—but please, believe me when I tell you that it is all about your own attitude. Don’t reach for your work laptop or tablet. Instead, use the time to eat something delicious (avoiding crappy tourist class food can be a good idea) or watch a nice film on your laptop. Catching up with some  beloved podcasts is a personal favourite of mine but you should be able to find something to treat yourself.

3. Block as much unpleasant ambient noise as possible

Children crying, repetitive coffee announcements from the crew, motor noise… Personally, I can’t stand those. Since I was a child, I suffer from a light form of Mishophonia that can be aggravated on stressful situations, so blocking any unpleasant sound is a must. Last year, I started packing some headphones on my cabin luggage and so far, it has proved life-changing. Ear plugs are a great option if you wish to go for a cat nap too.

If you are a frequent flyer though, you might consider investing in some noise-cancelling headphones. My current best-loved are the Beat Studio 3 Wireless Headphones (they are foldable, wireless and they offer up to 22 hours of battery), but there are plenty of options out there.

4. Get yourself comfortable

It could be argued that long flights main issue is the lack of comfort: limited personal space and sturdy seats are a terrible match for sure. Nonetheless, there are a few tricks you can use to improve your rest. Have you ever thought of spending some cash on a memory-foam travel pillow, or even an Ostrich Pillow model (my own choice)? Wrapping yourself in a nice, soft cardigan or jumper is also a good idea since it will help you to sleep better if needed.

5. When things go wild, turn to rescue remedy

It might be anything from a lavender soothing spray to a luxury spa hand-cream. Take some time and search for a few products which essence and consistency will immediately make you feel safe and relaxed. Then prepare an emergency kit and pack it in your cabin luggage. In case you are curious about it, I personally trust Rosa Centifolia Hand Treatment Cream and La Creme Main Texture Riche to make me feel in a spa when travelling but any nice scent product will do.

 

 

 

April 30, 2019October 1, 2019

Allegra Caro6 Comments

Christmas survival guide: how to deal with toxic people in the festive season

Oh, the Christmas spirit! The silver shining bells, heartwarming copious meals, fairy lights and drinks by the fire… We all love Christmas, right? If only!

Unfortunately, together with all the festive songs and colorful socks, most of us also get another present – the traditional visit of that relative/friend/coworker whose only check off list is to be the biggest killjoy ever.

You know who I am speaking about, for sure. I am referring to that uncle who comes all the way from his little village in the countryside just to let you know your homemade gravy is dry over dinner, or that lovely friend who will create a wave of drama because, in her opinion, your party dress looks better than hers and she is not engaged yet…  Seasonal classics, right?

Now, if you are lucky enough maybe you will be able to avoid that person this year and simply enjoy the holiday. For others, though, things might not be that easy. Maybe the person is a close relative, maybe your best friend or significant other.

The problem with the conventions about Christmas is that society expects us to be generous, even at the expense of our own well-being -which frequently translates into seasonal anxiety.

 What to do when you are between a rock and a hard place, then?

Well, you could wait until someone forwards your stocking to you, yell “Dobby is a free elf” and run for your life. It could be slightly impolite and maybe not very sophisticated, though.

I have experienced this myself frequently too. Most of my Christmas since my husband and I became expats five years ago have been just us, and we like it that way too. We are relaxed people, who love to celebrate at home and not to over-stress about our social agenda. However, we have got family and friends we also love to visit and this is when things can go wild: mix up a narrow time to schedule all your social events and a bunch of people who do not necessarily know or like each other, and voilá – here you go, your own Netflix festive drama.

As years pass by and I become older but also (I HOPE) a bit wiser, I have developed a few strategies to keep my mental health intact, no matter what. The main concept they all articulate around is quite simple: you need to be a bit selfish. Some people will simply frown upon this thought but I do not care. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself first.

There are no universal rules here I can provide you with, but I will attempt to help you with some tips that work for me most of the times. I hope they truly help you wherever you are.

To me, the first and more important step is to identify the enemy.

Knowledge is power, and if you know who you are dealing with, there are more chances you make it. Is your brother-in-law a misogynist who will spend the night making ladies jokes? Is your colleague a complete moron who makes everyone at the Christmas party to feel miserable? Identify the criminal and then choose the best strategy to deal with him/her.

Now, in my opinion, the next basic step when it comes to surviving a toxic environment is to choose your battles wisely.

As I previously said, the problem is society expects generosity from us on the festive period, but this can be used by some people as an excuse to abuse others and expect no aftermaths. I usually make a decision based on the type of person I am confronting: are we speaking about someone who does not think twice, who drinks too much prosecco during Christmas dinner, or a narcissistic who enjoys hurting others?

It might look like this is a superfluous detail, but believe me: it is not.

It can mean the difference between an unfortunate conversation and a catastrophic scene.

 I will illustrate it with a personal example: many moons ago, during some Christmas drinks with friends, a girl who I did not know very well casually commented my dress was almost a bit too glittery. Since I do not take things personally, I replied it was actually no such a thing like too glittery in Christmas. We both laughed and everything was left behind (or so I thought). But that night she also said my makeup was a bit too much, and the way I used the cutlery was peculiar… I was quite shocked by the subtle insistence of this woman who I barely knew to make unpleasant comments to me. Why, in the name of God, was she behaving like the ultimate evil queen?

Later, I had the chance to know her a bit better, and I realized the reason she repeatedly tried to tease me that very first night was her clinical narcissism – since I dared to outface her, in her opinion I needed to be punished.

Narcissists, you see, are not well-meaning loudmouths but people whose personality is based on one single idea: they are always right and their whole self-esteem depends on the perception others show to them. They need to be praised publicly and any behaviour they perceive as threatening must be punished. Also, they can use the pain they inflict as emotional fuel.

So what do you do when you find yourself trapped on a social event and you realize you are the target?

This is the most important advice I can actually give you: Do NOT take it personally.

It is not about you, is about them. They are going to look for a reason to represent drama, no matter what. So do not help them by showing you are offended. Since they can use your reaction as a source of gratification, try to take a step back and keep your mind cool and clean as much as possible.

 A valid strategy can be to switch the topic of the conversation. But if the person persists, maybe you should consider initiating a different chat with someone else.

 I will not lie – sometimes toxic people do not react to this strategy and insist on their behaviour.

If redirecting the attention focus to something else does not help, maybe it is time to introduce someone else in the chat, preferably someone who does not belong to the immediate social circle of the narcissist.

Usually, they need to keep a facade of kindness in front of strangers, so this can immediately interrupt the negative feedback.

If for some reason none of the aforementioned strategies proves helpful, please always have an emergency plan. If it is necessary in order to preserve your mental balance, you can even use what I humorously call extraction protocol. In case you missed it, in the context of military tactics language extraction makes reference to the process of rescuing someone when considered imperative that the subject is immediately relocated out of a hostile environment and taken to a secure area. In other words, time to play Dobby and to become a free elf.

There are several action lines you can follow here: get an emergency contact who can pick you up last minute if required, pretend you are late to that super important meetup or establish a security word to leave the place with your significant other (my personal favourite). Whatever you do, do not feel guilty. You tried your best and there is no need to be someone else mat. Simply keep calm, and leave the place as soon as possible. You will feel better in no time, I promise.

 At the end of the day, please remember one thing only: the most important gift you can be given in Christmas is respect, love, and mental peace. Do not feel obligated to remain in a toxic environment in behalf of the festive spirit.

 You truly matter.

 

December 20, 2018December 20, 2018

Allegra Caro19 Comments

Hi, I am Allegra!

A thirty-something Spanish expat with a love for Haute couture, books and period dramas. Way too many little black dresses in my closet. You can read more about me here.

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